Five Reasons You Can’t Find Love
Have you asked yourself, “Will I be single forever?” Does it feel like you can’t seem to hold a lasting relationship? Or have you dated a ton of people, but aren’t getting the love you want? It’s not just you– dating can be exhausting. However, sometimes we can be so desperate in our pursuit of a soulmate that we don’t take the time to assess why past relationships have failed, or why we feel unhappy with current ones. We often allow ourselves to remain in unhealthy patterns, rather than getting to the root of our relationship problems.
Allow yourself the time to read further for five possible reasons why you can’t find love, and what small changes you can make to ease the process and feel more confident in your pursuit of true love.
- You’re Trying to Make it Work with the Wrong People
When it feels like you’ve been searching for your soulmate forever, it’s hard not to jump at the first person who asks you out. When you agree to start dating someone simply because they are offering you attention, you run the risk of expecting them to be someone that they’re not. It can be easy to fantasize about who you think this person is, and how your relationship might go, but it’s important to approach dating with your feet planted firmly on the ground. When you really want something to work, you might start making excuses for bad behavior or ignoring red flags. This is self-sabotage. Don’t force or prolong a relationship with the wrong person for the sake of trying to find love.
Getting close enough to someone to the point where you feel true love for them takes time. Rather than allowing this to frustrate you, try to let it excite you. Fall in love with the process of falling in love– including the painful parts. Nothing worth having comes easy, and the same goes for a stable, long-lasting relationship.
Examine your past relationships. Recognize what went wrong, and don’t allow yourself to fall for those same traps again. Date people who are emotionally available and are looking for a long-term relationship, not a fling. Find empowerment in saying no to people who just aren’t right for you. Trust that the right person will come along, and when they do, you won’t have to wait for them to change.
- You’re Being Too Selective
You should absolutely have high standards for yourself. After all, you’re awesome! However, if your standards for a partner are hyper-specific, you will find yourself constantly disappointed. If you won’t date anyone other than a man over six foot who makes lots of money and wants kids, travels, writes love songs, and can walk on water, you’re going to overlook plenty of great guys in your pursuit for a man that might only exist inside your head.
While being a little picky helps to weed out people who just aren’t for you, being too picky can leave you destined to be alone. If you find yourself constantly disappointed by the people that you date, it might be time to take a step back and reassess your expectations. There is a fine line between wanting what you deserve and wanting perfection. The best way to approach this is by examining yourself. You’re great, and you’re wonderful, but you are not perfect. Being honest with yourself about that is a crucial first step towards cultivating a healthy, stable, lasting relationship. Consider the roles in reverse: you wouldn’t want to date someone who expects you to be absolutely perfect all of the time.
Try approaching dating with a few must-haves. Half the fun of falling in love with someone is being surprised and finding things you never knew you wanted. The sooner you stop chasing a fantasy, the sooner you will be to getting the love you want and deserve.
- You Aren’t Ready to Love Someone Else
Be honest with yourself: are you looking for love, or are you looking for someone to take your pain away? Or someone to help you forget about an ex? If you’re looking to fill a void, it is unlikely that you’ll make a genuine connection with someone. As we’ve said before, true love cannot be forced, no matter how badly you want it. To truly fall in love, you have to be able to put all of your heart into the relationship. If you are still heartbroken or hung up on someone else, you won’t be able to simply fall in love with a new person and erase that hurt. While casual dating after a breakup is fine and can even be refreshing and healthy, looking for a deep love connection too soon can make your pain even worse in the long run.
Maybe it’s not an ex that’s making your heart heavy. Trauma, stress, or other emotional distress can be major barriers that make it difficult when it comes to getting the love you want. This isn’t to say that you won’t find love because of your emotional history or your mental health struggles. You deserve to be able to fall in love without holding yourself back. However, if you notice recurring intimacy issues, you may want to take some time to be with yourself and work through your heavier emotions. Consider deeply examining your actions in past relationships, and seeking the root cause of what went wrong. Be honest and patient with yourself, because you deserve it.
- You Won’t Let Yourself Fall
Falling in love can feel like miraculous magic. It can even feel unreal, and quite often, when it’s real, it can be terrifying. It can feel too good to be true, but the key is remembering that it isn’t. When you’ve experienced painful breakups, infidelity, abuse, or have historically dated individuals who mistreated you, it can be very difficult to trust that you won’t get hurt again.
People who are afraid of getting hurt in relationships often fixate on this fear until the fear turns into expectation. When you expect things to go wrong in your relationship, you are subconsciously sabotaging it to fulfill your expectation. This can look like running away from people who show us affection because we suspect that their feelings can’t be real. Or putting up walls because you’re afraid to let someone get to know you. Or seeking out faults in a partner for an excuse to leave them before they can leave you.
Fear of being vulnerable or getting hurt is powerful. If you find yourself constantly running from love, it’s possible that you’re being controlled by this fear. Get to the root of your fear– identify exactly what you are afraid of. Remind yourself that you are completely worthy of being loved, and align your thoughts and actions with that in mind.
- You Aren’t Putting Yourself Out There
Dating can be exhausting, but if you expect true love to fall into your lap, you could be waiting forever. What efforts have you made so far? If you do nothing but go to work, hang with friends, and watch Netflix, you are missing lots of opportunities to meet people. Do you use dating apps? If you do, you’ve got to be actively engaging in conversations with matches, and trying to meet up with them. If you haven’t tried a dating app, give it a whirl! It might give you the confidence you need. If you are shy or get anxious about meeting new people, try going out with a group of friends to be more comfortable, or attend a singles event where everyone is there for the exact same reason–no shame! Switch up your routine, go to new places, and try being open about meeting new people. If you think you could benefit from the help of an expert, consider working with a matchmaker!
When you find yourself frustrated and upset, asking “Will I be single forever?”, remember this: when it comes to getting the love you want, the first step in your pursuit should be loving and understanding yourself. Finding love doesn’t have to be an exhausting, dreary journey.
Be kind to yourself and be optimistic and open with your approach, and you’ll be pleasantly surprised by what you find. We are rooting for you! We also know how hard it can be to remain patient in the search for a soulmate. If you’d like some extra, professional help, consider consulting with a matchmaker! Finding love doesn’t have to be a solo battle. Find out what I can do for you: https://mosaicmatchmaking.com/services/#consulting